Anonymous Letter to My Esteemed Colleagues: Thank You for Making Me Irreplaceable

Dear Team,

I must take a moment to express my sincere gratitude for your collective efforts in ensuring my job security. Truly, your casual approach to data management makes my position as a cybersecurity professional absolutely irreplaceable. Here are some of the key ways you contribute to my everlasting employment:

The “123456” Password Paradigm

Ah, the classics never die, do they? Thank you for using passwords that a toddler could guess, like “password” or “123456.” The ease with which these passwords can be cracked means I will forever be needed to clean up the ensuing mess. I salute your dedication to keeping it simple—security nightmares are the bedrock of my job security, after all.

Click, Click, Boom!

Your uncanny ability to click on every phishing link that comes your way is nothing short of remarkable. Thanks to this, I have a never-ending supply of malware and ransomware attacks to thwart, investigate, and recover from. Truly, I owe my monthly performance bonuses to your inability to resist the allure of “Congratulations, you’ve won a $1,000 gift card!” emails.

The Open-Door Policy

Why limit the open-door policy to just HR? Your habit of leaving your computers unlocked when you step away—sometimes even overnight—is a gift that keeps on giving. The potential for unauthorized data access ensures that I have a constant stream of incidents to address, making me the MVP of the IT department.

“Updates? What Updates?”

Lastly, I must commend your consistent negligence in updating software and applying patches. Your insistence on using outdated software versions is the stuff of legend, making our systems the low-hanging fruit that hackers dream of. Knowing that our firewall is as effective as a paper umbrella in a monsoon fills me with confidence that I’ll have job security for years. Please don’t hire an IT company.